Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to what we can do about dating violence.
The first step, though, is to realize that it does happen, and it can happen to your child.
It is important to understand that the more you try to pry your child away from the situation, the more she or he will run to it.
Nothing will happen until your child realizes on their own that the abuse she or he is facing is not love. That can come from flyers, magazines, websites etc. Why not find a couple of flyers with a hotline on them and leave them lying around? What about leaving the name of a website around? Here are a few that I find are extremely focused on helping your child:
From Liz Clairborne(click on the image): LoveIsRespect.org is probably my favorite site to give to people about teen dating violence. A young person can come across this site and learn what abuse is, what you can do if you are being abused, even what can you do if you are an abuser. Please use this site. It is simply there to help your child.
Another one from Liz Clairborne, but for parents –
This one is good to help kids respond to bullying, violence, text harassment etc:
Please use these if you need to. Pass them on to your kids. Pass them on to your neighbors and friends. Remember that violence and bullying happen.
Only 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about it.
Teen victims of dating violence are more likely to abuse drugs, have eating disorders, and attempt suicide.
A recent survey of schools found there were an estimated 4,000 incidents of rape or other types of sexual assault in public schools across the country.
In a study of gay, lesbian and bisexual adolescents, youths involved in same-sex dating are just as likely to experience dating violence as youths involved in opposite sex dating.
One third of high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship.
Dating violence is the leading cause of injury to young women.
Nearly one quarter of girls who have been in a relationship reported going further sexually than they wanted as a result of pressure.
About 40% of teenage girls ages 14 to 17 say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
Approximately 70% of young women rape victims knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance.
Six out of ten rapes of young women occur in their own home or a friend or relative’s home, not in a dark alley.
Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk for intimate partner violence.
5 months before the suicide of Phoebe Prince, the town of South Hadley brought in Barbara Coloroso to talk to parents, teachers, and administrators about how to combat bullying in the schools.
Coloroso knows as much about the subject as anyone. She was brought into Columbine after two kids who were bullied decided to get even with guns. She was brought into the Red Lake reservation in Minnesota after a 16-year-old shot seven people dead at the high school where he was bullied.
And she was brought into South Hadley, ahead of the curve, ahead of a tragedy, five months before Phoebe Prince, a 15-year-old freshman at South Hadley High, hanged herself after being tormented by a group of girls who just wouldn’t leave her alone. Read the rest of this entry »
Did any of you Google “Phoebe Prince” like I suggested in my last post? For the next few days, we will be examining what drove this young girl to do the unthinkable. Pulled from numerous sources about this young girl, I urge you to share these posts with your friends who have children. Most young people who are bullied are ashamed to admit it. If you can help me get these posts into the hands of other parents, we could hopefully prevent other tragedies.
It was fall when she moved from Ireland into western Massachusetts. A new town, a new high school, a new country, a new culture. She was 15, when all that matters is being liked and wearing the right clothes and just fitting in.
Fast forward to January. She couldn’t take it anymore. On that fateful winter day, Phoebe was walking home from school when one of the Mean Girls drove by in a car. An insult and an energy drink can came flying out the car window in Phoebe’s direction. Phoebe kept walking, past the abuse, past the can, past the white picket fence, into her house. Then she walked into a closet and hanged herself. No-one could have predicted how hard it would be or that her younger sister would come home from school one day to find Phoebe’s lifeless 15-year-old body hanging from her closet.
What led to this tragic ending?
You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I’m nothing You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I’m wounded You, pickin’ on the weaker man
Well, you can take me down with just one single blow But you don’t know what you don’t know
For those of you with teenagers, you probably know these lyrics. If not, ask your child and I’m sure she’ll be able to explain them to you. When you get to the end of this post, you can watch the video.
Taylor Swift’s “Mean” is a story of universal tales of getting picked on with a colorful theater show starring the country singer.
Someday I’ll be living in a big old city And all you’re ever gonna be is mean Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them I’ll walk with my head down trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you I just wanna feel okay again
The video opens with Swift strumming a banjo in front of her backing band, who inhabit a lush stage setup resembling a farmhouse and begins playing alongside her. The jamboree offsets the painful tales of bullying: a well-dressed boy is prodded in a locker room by the football team, a female fast-food worker is victimized by a group of high schoolers, and a girl is shunned by the popular crowd and forced to eat lunch in the bathroom. All of the stories are resolved at the clip’s end, with the first two teens landing their dream jobs and the unpopular girl happily watching the star Swift has become on stage. “Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me/And all you’re ever gonna be is mean,” Swift sings while dressed in a glamorous flapper getup.
I’ll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold But the cycle ends right now ’cause you can’t lead me down that road And you don’t know what you don’t know
Someday I’ll be living in a big old city and all you’re ever gonna be is mean Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
It would be nice if all stories of bullying and teen violence wrapped up nicely like a fairy tale, but they don’t. Bullying can and does scar for life. This song has turned into an anthem (read: fantasy) of the bullied: “Someday, you are going to be sorry for bullying me. I’m going to be rich/successful/famous, and you’ll still be a jerk.” My question is, what happens to those who are bullied who don’t become rich/successful/famous? Do they just grow up to be well adjusted adults? I don’t think so. They will go into adulthood with the same insecurities, fears, and hurts that they grew up with.
And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game With that same big loud opinion but nobody’s listening Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things Drunk and grumbling on about how I can’t sing
But all you are is mean
So, what can we do to make sure that our kids who are bullied and picked on grow up to be well adjusted? We need to start before the the bullying begins. We need to make sure we start building our kids up; We need to make sure that their identity is not in what they wear, the music they listen to, or the friends they have. We need to ingrain in them that their identity is in who God made them to be. We need to be parents who honor our children by making sure that they know they can confide in us no matter what. That “I love you” comes before “what were you thinking?”. If they get into a fight at school, have a crush on a boy, got caught cheating on a test, broke up with a boyfriend, got picked on – our kids need to feel comfortable telling us these things. That begins with open conversations early on in their life, and that they understand that nothing they do will wear out our love for them.
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean
But someday I’ll be living in a big old city And all you’re ever gonna be is mean, yeah Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
It scares me that a child can hold so much power over another child with mere words. Our natural instinct is to tell our children to “buck up”, or , “don’t worry about it, it will get better”. Remember what it was like when you were a kid. Those words are real, and they hurt. Remember sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? Do me a favor, Google “Phoebe Prince” and tell me words don’t hurt.
Why you gotta be so mean?
Someday, I’ll be, living in a big old city (Why you gotta be so mean?) And all you’re ever gonna be is mean (Why you gotta be so mean?) Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me (Why you gotta be so mean?) And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
When most people think of school violence, they think of the massacres at Virginia Tech and Columbine High School. While these events were horrific, such events are rare and not stereotypical of violence in schools. Violent deaths at schools account for less than 1% of the homicides and suicides among children ages 5-18.
School violence wears many faces. It includes gang activity, locker thefts, bullying and intimidation, gun use, assault – just about anything that produces a victim. Violence is perpetrated against students, teachers, and staff, and ranges from intentional vendettas to accidental killings of bystanders.
Middle school students are more than twice as likely as high school students to be affected by school violence. Eight percent of eighth graders stay home at least once a month to avoid a bully. The typical victim of an attack or robbery at school is Read the rest of this entry »
A LETTER TO PARENTS ON TEEN DATING ABUSE FROM PEDIATRICIAN & EXPERT, DR. ELIZABETH MILLER
Dear Parents/Guardians/Educators,
As a physician who specializes in care for adolescents, a researcher on teen dating abuse, and a parent of a teen, I am often asked by other parents to talk about the warning signs of dating abuse, what parents should be looking for, and how they can help their child navigate out of an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to these questions.
A COMMON CHARACTERISTIC
A common characteristic of unhealthy and abusive relationships is the control that the abusive partner seeks to maintain in the relationship. This includes telling someone what to wear, where they can go, who they can hang out with, calling them names, humiliating them in front of others. Over time, the isolation from one’s social network increases, as the abuser insists on spending time “just the two of us,” and threatens to leave or cause harm if things do not go the way they want, “You must not love me.” Creating this isolation and dissolution of one’s social supports (loss of friends, disconnectedness from family) are hallmarks of controlling behaviors. In addition, abusers often monitor cell phones and emails, and for example, may threaten harm if the response to a text message is not instant. Parents are rarely aware of such controlling tactics as these occur insidiously over time, and an adolescent may themselves not recognize the controlling, possessive behaviors as unhealthy. “They must love me because they just want to spend time with me.”
WARNING SIGNS
While the following non-specific warning signs could indicate other concerning things such as depression or drug use, these should also raise a red flag for parents and adult caregivers about the possibility of an unhealthy relationship: Read the rest of this entry »
I feel this is an important article that needs re-posting:
What’s Really Going On With Significant Others?
An article from David R. Smith
Girls get a manicure and pedicure. Guys get a haircut and call up a friend to brag about who they’re going out with that night. These are just a few of the things teenagers do before the date.
But what are they doing during the date?
Ahhhhh, dating…the complicated and awkward attempt of putting one’s best foot forward, with the hopes of fooling another into thinking life can’t continue without them. As stressful and as tedious as dating usually is, plenty of teens still do it. A report entitled “Kiss and Tell,” published by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned PregnancyM, found that seven in ten teens say that most of their friends are in romantic relationships.
That’s a lot of dating!
Parents and youth workers have long-recognized that teenagers can experience tremendous highs and desperate lows when it comes to dating. When the Facebook profile changes from “single” to “in a relationship,” the words of Charles Dickens have never been truer: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
The Worst of Times
Let’s go ahead and get the bad news out of the way. Not everything is roses and candy in teenage romantic relationships these days.
In the Kiss and Tell report, researchers found that 17% of teens say they don’t know anyone who serves as an example of a healthy relationship. As unfortunate as that is, the results of that reality are far worse. It becomes little wonder why researchers have been documenting unsettling findings in the areas of sex, pregnancy, and even violence, as it relates to teen dating.
Have you caught the story about Shelton, CT high school senior James Tate? He’s the kid who posted some foot-tall cardboard letters on the wall near the school’s entrance. The letters spelled out a prom invitation to a fellow student: “Sonali Rodrigues, Will you go to the prom with me? HMU -Tate.” No profanity. No paint. Just a little old-fashioned creativity and fun.
But school officials didn’t like what Tate did. It seems they called him into the office and told him he had earned a one-day in-school suspension for trespassing, and that since he was suspended after April 1, he wouldn’t be allowed to attend his prom.
Now, word is spreading far and wide about Tate and his punishment, and lots of people are lobbying for Tate to be able to attend his prom. There’s even a Facebook page that’s been set up to support Tate and see the school’s decision reversed.. As of this moment, over 100,000 people have “liked” the page.
I understand that schools need rules. In today’s world, it’s a sad fact that schools need even more rules because fewer and fewer parents are making and enforcing rules. When we don’t step up and take responsibility for ourselves, more rules are needed. But have we gone overboard with all this “no tolerance” stuff that issues immediate consequences without individual consideration or grace? You know, the kind of thing that happens when kindergarten kid gets suspended for having an aspirin in his backpack.
So. . . here’s the question at hand: Should James Tate be allowed to go to his prom? What do you think?
That was my cry to a group of parents last night at one of my parenting workshops. When parents get a glimpse of the daunting reality of how much time the average 8-18-year-old kid spends each day saturating in entertainment media (7 hours and 38 minutes), they are often overwhelmed with thoughts of, “How can I compete with Eminem and Lady Gaga?” and “What good can my few minutes a day with my kids do?”
You’re not alone.
Today’s parents often wonder if they’re truly making a difference in the lives of their kids, or if they should just throw in the towel. I assure you, don’t give up. Research unanimously reveals that parents who care enough to spend time with their kids and help their kids make good choices are the parents who become the number one influence in their kids’ lives. (I cite numerous examples of this research in my book, Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent).
Many parents might not be so quick to throw up their hands and quit if they were just given a few tools to help them navigate this intimidating arena of 21st century parenting. In a world of Facebook, iPods and MTV, how can we connect with our media-saturated teens and tweens?
I’ve found it extremely helpful to use three buttons.
LoveIsRespect.org is probably my favorite site to give to people about teen dating violence. A young person can come across this site and learn what abuse is, what you can do if you are being abused, even what can you do if you are an abuser. Please use this site. It is simply there to help your child.
Greggornation 