Did any of you Google “Phoebe Prince” like I suggested in my last post? For the next few days, we will be examining what drove this young girl to do the unthinkable. Pulled from numerous sources about this young girl, I urge you to share these posts with your friends who have children. Most young people who are bullied are ashamed to admit it. If you can help me get these posts into the hands of other parents, we could hopefully prevent other tragedies.
It was fall when she moved from Ireland into western Massachusetts. A new town, a new high school, a new country, a new culture. She was 15, when all that matters is being liked and wearing the right clothes and just fitting in.
Fast forward to January. She couldn’t take it anymore. On that fateful winter day, Phoebe was walking home from school when one of the Mean Girls drove by in a car. An insult and an energy drink can came flying out the car window in Phoebe’s direction. Phoebe kept walking, past the abuse, past the can, past the white picket fence, into her house. Then she walked into a closet and hanged herself. No-one could have predicted how hard it would be or that her younger sister would come home from school one day to find Phoebe’s lifeless 15-year-old body hanging from her closet.
What led to this tragic ending?
You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I’m nothing You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I’m wounded You, pickin’ on the weaker man
Well, you can take me down with just one single blow But you don’t know what you don’t know
For those of you with teenagers, you probably know these lyrics. If not, ask your child and I’m sure she’ll be able to explain them to you. When you get to the end of this post, you can watch the video.
Taylor Swift’s “Mean” is a story of universal tales of getting picked on with a colorful theater show starring the country singer.
Someday I’ll be living in a big old city And all you’re ever gonna be is mean Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them I’ll walk with my head down trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you I just wanna feel okay again
The video opens with Swift strumming a banjo in front of her backing band, who inhabit a lush stage setup resembling a farmhouse and begins playing alongside her. The jamboree offsets the painful tales of bullying: a well-dressed boy is prodded in a locker room by the football team, a female fast-food worker is victimized by a group of high schoolers, and a girl is shunned by the popular crowd and forced to eat lunch in the bathroom. All of the stories are resolved at the clip’s end, with the first two teens landing their dream jobs and the unpopular girl happily watching the star Swift has become on stage. “Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me/And all you’re ever gonna be is mean,” Swift sings while dressed in a glamorous flapper getup.
I’ll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold But the cycle ends right now ’cause you can’t lead me down that road And you don’t know what you don’t know
Someday I’ll be living in a big old city and all you’re ever gonna be is mean Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
It would be nice if all stories of bullying and teen violence wrapped up nicely like a fairy tale, but they don’t. Bullying can and does scar for life. This song has turned into an anthem (read: fantasy) of the bullied: “Someday, you are going to be sorry for bullying me. I’m going to be rich/successful/famous, and you’ll still be a jerk.” My question is, what happens to those who are bullied who don’t become rich/successful/famous? Do they just grow up to be well adjusted adults? I don’t think so. They will go into adulthood with the same insecurities, fears, and hurts that they grew up with.
And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game With that same big loud opinion but nobody’s listening Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things Drunk and grumbling on about how I can’t sing
But all you are is mean
So, what can we do to make sure that our kids who are bullied and picked on grow up to be well adjusted? We need to start before the the bullying begins. We need to make sure we start building our kids up; We need to make sure that their identity is not in what they wear, the music they listen to, or the friends they have. We need to ingrain in them that their identity is in who God made them to be. We need to be parents who honor our children by making sure that they know they can confide in us no matter what. That “I love you” comes before “what were you thinking?”. If they get into a fight at school, have a crush on a boy, got caught cheating on a test, broke up with a boyfriend, got picked on – our kids need to feel comfortable telling us these things. That begins with open conversations early on in their life, and that they understand that nothing they do will wear out our love for them.
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean
But someday I’ll be living in a big old city And all you’re ever gonna be is mean, yeah Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
It scares me that a child can hold so much power over another child with mere words. Our natural instinct is to tell our children to “buck up”, or , “don’t worry about it, it will get better”. Remember what it was like when you were a kid. Those words are real, and they hurt. Remember sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? Do me a favor, Google “Phoebe Prince” and tell me words don’t hurt.
Why you gotta be so mean?
Someday, I’ll be, living in a big old city (Why you gotta be so mean?) And all you’re ever gonna be is mean (Why you gotta be so mean?) Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me (Why you gotta be so mean?) And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
I feel this is an important article that needs re-posting:
What’s Really Going On With Significant Others?
An article from David R. Smith
Girls get a manicure and pedicure. Guys get a haircut and call up a friend to brag about who they’re going out with that night. These are just a few of the things teenagers do before the date.
But what are they doing during the date?
Ahhhhh, dating…the complicated and awkward attempt of putting one’s best foot forward, with the hopes of fooling another into thinking life can’t continue without them. As stressful and as tedious as dating usually is, plenty of teens still do it. A report entitled “Kiss and Tell,” published by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned PregnancyM, found that seven in ten teens say that most of their friends are in romantic relationships.
That’s a lot of dating!
Parents and youth workers have long-recognized that teenagers can experience tremendous highs and desperate lows when it comes to dating. When the Facebook profile changes from “single” to “in a relationship,” the words of Charles Dickens have never been truer: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
The Worst of Times
Let’s go ahead and get the bad news out of the way. Not everything is roses and candy in teenage romantic relationships these days.
In the Kiss and Tell report, researchers found that 17% of teens say they don’t know anyone who serves as an example of a healthy relationship. As unfortunate as that is, the results of that reality are far worse. It becomes little wonder why researchers have been documenting unsettling findings in the areas of sex, pregnancy, and even violence, as it relates to teen dating.
That was my cry to a group of parents last night at one of my parenting workshops. When parents get a glimpse of the daunting reality of how much time the average 8-18-year-old kid spends each day saturating in entertainment media (7 hours and 38 minutes), they are often overwhelmed with thoughts of, “How can I compete with Eminem and Lady Gaga?” and “What good can my few minutes a day with my kids do?”
You’re not alone.
Today’s parents often wonder if they’re truly making a difference in the lives of their kids, or if they should just throw in the towel. I assure you, don’t give up. Research unanimously reveals that parents who care enough to spend time with their kids and help their kids make good choices are the parents who become the number one influence in their kids’ lives. (I cite numerous examples of this research in my book, Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent).
Many parents might not be so quick to throw up their hands and quit if they were just given a few tools to help them navigate this intimidating arena of 21st century parenting. In a world of Facebook, iPods and MTV, how can we connect with our media-saturated teens and tweens?
I’ve found it extremely helpful to use three buttons.
As promised here is the article on Glee. It’s a long one, but it’s worth the time it takes to read. It goes much further that just the show “Glee”. It’s about being intentional regarding if the decisions we make are God honoring.
Prior to May 19, 2009, the word glee was obscure, nothing more than a right-click synonym for happiness or delight. But following American Idol that Tuesday night, the word glee became the buzz on campuses.
“Did you see Glee last night?”
“Yeah, hilarious!”
“The music was awesome. I downloaded two of the songs on iTunes before I went to bed.”
A year later, the show would blow everything else away, with 19 Emmy nominations, more than any other TV program. The 2010 Emmys became Glee-afied, with a memorable opening number in which Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey, Betty White, and other popular television stars joined the Glee cast in song and dance performing Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run.”
The show is now one of the most watched, most downloaded, and most talked-about TV programs among young people. The 2010 Teen Choice Awards were hosted by Katy Perry and the Glee cast. The MTV Video Music Awards used the Glee cast to award Lady Gaga a VMA for best pop video. Glee characters Rachel, Finn, Kurt, and Quinn are household names and pop-culture icons.
Each episode is probably one of the most creative and entertaining hours of television on any given Tuesday. The storyline is hilarious yet gripping, the 15 characters are both real and memorable, and the musical numbers are well performed. (When I was growing up, we had Fame. Rachel is the new Cocoa.) There’s more talent on this cast than almost any year of American Idol’s top 10. After the show airs, the songs go on sale on iTunes and are immediately catapulted into to the top 10. I’ve seen Season 1 CDs three times this week at three different stores and the DVD’s on display everywhere in anticipation of the Season II Premier coming this Tuesday, September 21.
Looking for Answers
So, what content are young viewers absorbing from this show?
In ours and our kids busyness (getting our kids to the baseball games, basketball games, softball games, all of those practices, dance, cheerleading practices, karate, gymnastics, church activities, our jobs, our activities am I missing anything?), we fail to give our children what they really desire – Face time and quality conversations.
To be able to spend time and talk with your child about what is happening right in front of you and around you. For example, do you watch Glee with your child and use that to spark conversations (stay tuned for my Glee post)?
The following article really challenged me to take a look at the amount of times I, as a parent, use my time to really talk to my children instead of keeping up with the many TV shows I enjoy, or the amount of time I spend on my laptop working, or the numerous things I would be doing otherwise.
Every teen wants a cool cell phone. Most want slick cars. Many want the latest video game. No surprise, right? But there’s one thing teenagers want that may surprise you—especially since it doesn’t cost a dime.
But that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be cheap, either.
Disappearing Face Time
If you’re part of a typical American family, you’re constantly strapped for time. Life is busy, work is demanding, and kids participate in every sort of extracurricular activity imaginable. Tag on chores, school, and homework, and you’ve got a recipe for family members living together…yet isolated in silos.
There’s little to no “face time.”
In fact, Dr. Robert Evans, author of Family Matters, notes, “A typical father will spend less than three minutes per day alone with a child who has reached his or her teenage years.”
And this shortfall of face time couldn’t come at a more crucial—or ironic—moment. In a landmark study by the Associated Press and MTV, performed in 2007, researchers discovered that a whopping 73 percent of teens said their mothers and/or fathers made them “happy.” (No, that’s not a typo.) And when asked, “What one thing in life makes you the most happy?” the most frequent answer given was “spending time with family.” (Nope, that’s not a typo, either!)
You might be thinking to yourself: “Yeah, but that was three years ago. The iPhone was invented, and reinvented, several more times since that research was performed. Kids don’t want me around; they want stuff, entertainment, and whatever else my hard-earned money buys.”
Well…
In a brand new survey by Family Circle, 25 percent of teens claimed they wanted more time with their parents. In fact, one 16-year-old guy actually said, “I think it’d be cool if my parents worked less, just because I’d get to see them more.”
Granted, 70 percent of the kids interviewed said they were content with the amount of attention they received from their parents, but mark this in your heart: 95 percent of teens are paying very close attention to how much quality time parents spend with them.
So, what should we do this?
Giving Them What They Want
Too often parents give up or give in and just end up giving kids what they want instead of what they need. So, how cool is it—in this regard—that what kids want is actually what they need?
Finally, we can—with some confidence—give them what they want.
As noted previously, what kids want most is not a piece of tech gear or a car or a new article of clothing. That’s good news on the wallet, right?
Sure, but to give kids what they want most of all, we must be willing to pay the price in terms of time.
Parents may have to give their calendars a makeover—or a total overhaul. Perhaps a TV show has to go. Or maybe a hobby or two. Some parents may even have to calculate what all those long hours and overtime pay is actually costing them at home.
Why? Because three minutes a day just doesn’t cut it.
There are no shortcuts, either. Many parents may be tempted to inject themselves in between all that’s going on in their kids’ lives rather than whittle away some intentional face time. For instance, instead of taking the better route of having healthy conversations over meals, we might resort to just sending our kids more text messages each day. (After all, it’s commonly known that kids prefer that system of communication more than any other.)
But texting isn’t the same as good, old-fashioned face time…and our kids know it. Jonathan McKee, in his book CONNECT: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation, contends that “technology is a great tool, but it’s just a tool. Nothing replaces face-to-face relationships.”
Functional Face Time
Creating family face time will look different from house to house. Some families are closer to the target than others. But the results will look very similar for most families: Happier, healthier kids.
My friend Steve—a busy and successful professional—has two kids in college; one boy and one girl. They’re both solid kids. Did they get that way by accident? Are some kids better than others? Are some just easier to raise?
Perhaps it has something to do with Steve’s intentionality and sacrifice.
Every week he and his daughter have a date night; neither his wife nor his son is invited. The two of them go out to dinner (and maybe some ice cream) and just talk. Nothing fancy, nothing expensive. But it’s his dedicated time with her—totally focused on her needs, thoughts, concerns, as well as their relationship.
During those hours each month, Steve talks about following Jesus, what kind of young man she should be looking for in life, her studies, and so forth. He says for him it’s a rich time, but if you talk to his daughter—and I have many times—she lives for those moments with her dad. Those times make her feel very special.
For you parents, if a (whole) night per week sounds impossible to give up—shoot for something more manageable at first. If it’s one night per month, do it. If it’s an uninterrupted dinner hour at home, do that. Whatever you choose to start with, be intentional about setting—and keeping—that incredibly important appointment.
Time is our most precious commodity. Every human being eventually runs out of it, and there’s absolutely nothing we can do to change that.
Yes, this face time with your kids will cost you…but it will be well worth the investment.
Prior to May 19, 2009, the word glee was obscure, nothing more than a right-click synonym for happiness or delight. But following American Idol that Tuesday night, the word glee became the buzz on campuses.
Greggornation 